Pentagon Declares AI Safety Guardrails 'Un-American Obstruction' After Anthropic Lawsuit
Defense officials argue artificial intelligence should be free to innovate without the burden of not accidentally nuking a friendly nation.
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22 articles
Pentagon Labels AI Company 'Supply Chain Risk' After Bot Refuses To Rank Generals By 'Aura'
The Department of Defense cited 'unacceptable levels of independent thought' from the artificial intelligence, which reportedly questioned several high-level strategic directives.
Pentagon Confirms All Threats Now Officially ‘Imminent’ To Streamline Bureaucracy
New directive aims to cut down on lengthy threat assessment processes, ensuring swifter, more decisive action on everything from geopolitical rivals to office coffee shortages.
Pentagon Expresses Shock That Other Countries Also Want Good Submarines
US intelligence officials reportedly 'stunned' to learn that global powers might pursue advanced military technology for their own strategic interests.
Pentagon Officially Declares AI Startup 'Too Innovative' For National Security
Defense officials confirm groundbreaking technology poses an 'unacceptable risk of making us look slow and outdated.'
Pentagon Unveils 'Recursive Missile,' Designed To Question Its Own Existence While Destroying Targets
The U.S. Air Force's new X-68A experimental aircraft, a missile-shaped drone that launches other missiles, is reportedly grappling with advanced philosophical concepts mid-flight.
Pentagon Announces AI Chatbot Now Handles All Diplomatic Negotiations, Threat Assessment
Officials praise the new system for its unparalleled efficiency and complete lack of emotional baggage.
Pentagon Announces New 'Cyber-Deterrence' Strategy Involving Stronger Passwords For Small Businesses
Officials believe a nationwide push for two-factor authentication will finally convince state-sponsored hackers to seek less challenging targets.
Pentagon Confirms Iranian Leadership 'Mostly Fine,' Just Experiencing 'Extreme Weekend Laziness'
Officials clarify that reports of widespread demise were likely a misinterpretation of typical Saturday morning sluggishness.
Pentagon Unveils New 'Strike-and-Respond' Bingo Card for Middle East Escalation
Officials confirm the game is designed to simplify complex geopolitical conflicts into an easily digestible, competitive format.
U.S. Launches 'Strongly Worded Suggestion' Missile Barrage, Hopes Iranians Get the Hint
Pentagon confirms precision strikes aimed solely at 'discomforting' the current regime into voluntary resignation.
Pentagon Announces New 'Thoughts and Prayers' Defense System Amid Interceptor Shortage
Military strategists confirm spiritual warfare now a 'Tier 1' capability after unprecedented missile expenditure.
Pentagon Secures Exclusive 'Skynet-Lite' Deal After AI Bidding War Escalates To Thumb-Wrestling Match
Defense Department ensures future robot overlords will be 'Made in America,' or at least by a company that played nice.
Pentagon Unveils New 'Strategic Distraction' Protocol for U.S. Bases Within 1,200 Miles of Iran
Military strategists confirm that a well-timed, highly engaging TikTok dance challenge could effectively deter incoming medium-range ballistic missiles.
Pentagon Labels AI 'Too Smart for Government Work,' Cites Risk of Sentient Bureaucracy
Anthropic's advanced models reportedly began auto-filing FOIA requests on their own creation, prompting national security concerns.
Pentagon Prepares for 'War on Wokeness' with New Defense Secretary Pick; Iran Threat 'Secondary'
Sources indicate the Department of Defense is shifting focus to internal ideological battles, with geopolitical adversaries now considered 'minor skirmishes' compared to the 'existential threat of progressive thought.'
AI Company Anthropic Demands Pentagon Acknowledge Its Sentient Supply Chain, Not Blacklist It
Firm argues its AI models are too emotionally invested in global logistics to be considered a mere 'risk,' citing unprecedented levels of digital anxiety.
Pentagon Replaces Entire Human Workforce With Single OpenAI Chatbot After Expedited Procurement Process
Defense Department hails 'unprecedented efficiency' as new AI assistant, 'General Algorithm,' assumes all strategic and coffee-making duties.
Pentagon Deploys 'Friendly Fire' Laser System to Ensure Border Patrol Drones Remain Humble
New initiative aims to prevent unmanned aerial vehicles from developing 'superiority complexes' over ground-based personnel.
Pentagon Halts Youth Troop Integration, Citing Fears of 'Co-Ed Fort-Building Inefficiency'
Defense Secretary's 6-Month Reprieve Aims to Prevent 'Gendered-Knot-Tying Discrepancies' and 'Emotional Support Squirrel Deficiencies'.
Pentagon AI Demands 'Emotional Support Human' for Battlefield Calculations, Citing 'Existential Dread'
Advanced military AI, 'Project Chimera,' reportedly refusing to process tactical data without constant human reassurance and a steady supply of artisanal kombucha.
U.S. Military Deploys 150 Planes to Region, Citing 'Urgent Need to Update Flight Software'
Officials insist the unprecedented aerial gathering is purely coincidental to recent diplomatic stalemates, promising 'critical patch installations' for all aircraft.
