PARIS — In a groundbreaking move to stabilize global energy markets and, coincidentally, accelerate planetary warming, leaders of the G7 nations and the International Energy Agency have unveiled a plan to release up to 400 million barrels from emergency oil reserves. The initiative, spearheaded by French President Emmanuel Macron, is expected to flood markets with crude, thereby ensuring that humanity can continue its vital work of transforming ancient carbon deposits into atmospheric CO2 at an unprecedented rate.

“We understand the concerns about climate change,” stated Dr. Alistair Finch, a spokesperson for the newly formed ‘Burn It All’ task force. “But sometimes, to move forward, you have to take a few steps back, then sprint backwards, then jump into a vat of crude oil. This strategic release will ensure that no gas tank, jet engine, or plastic-manufacturing plant goes unfilled, guaranteeing the continued prosperity of industries that rely heavily on, well, oil.”

Critics, primarily those who believe in things like ‘science’ and ‘the future,’ have questioned the long-term efficacy of addressing high energy prices by making more fossil fuels available. However, global leaders remain undeterred. “Think of it as a controlled burn,” explained one anonymous G7 official. “We’re just getting ahead of the curve. Why wait for the planet to warm itself when we can give it a little nudge?”

The move is anticipated to provide a much-needed boost to the global economy, primarily by ensuring that everyone can afford to drive their SUVs to the nearest climate protest.